The longest day

Here’s my advice for finding a way to stretch out your day to the longest day possible. Step one: establish a body-numbing schedule by giving yourself jet lag. Step two: plan a flight though Dallas, because you can depend on the weather in Dallas to mess you up. Step three: have the last leg of your flight home cancelled due to weather. Step four: drive 10 hours from Dallas to home on top of your jet lag. Congratulations. You have just achieved the worlds longest day.

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Don’t Worry Lady

Don’t worry lady seems to be required English mastery for Greek men who manage public transportation. I know this because I’ve been off playing, but I’ll be back soon in full force.

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Giddy

The giddy music backing up the ad implied that I would be happy, happy, happy if I just used this product. I just watched Extreme Home Makeover and thought that the house revealed after the big “Move that Bus” moment would be much less impressive without the accompanyment of the huge orchestra playing a full-out crescendo to elevate our emotions. Maybe I’m feeling jaded tonight, but all this musical manipulation is irritating. I wondered how moved I would be to buy, or to enjoy particular shows, if I turned off the sound and watched with captions instead. Just the facts. I decided . . .

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Extreme Adventure

He’d spent all his life working toward this week of extreme adventure on Everest. As the crew gathered at the hotel, Malcom met with the guides, the bearers, the unnamed people who made it possible for the more famous climbers to do what they came here to do.

They filed into the empty dining room for a late night meeting. Malcom was surprised to see that one of the guides was a tiny Chinese woman. Granted, she appeared to be constructed of nothing but solid muscle, but she was a woman. He . . .

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Sunrise

Sunrise is the best part of the day for the early birds. It’s a reward for being the only person within miles who is awake, for the irritation of not being able to sleep in even when you want to.

The night owls might have an interesting sunset to enjoy, but those are crowded events. I like a show that is quiet and private. A sunrise is just the answer.

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Dumpster Diving

The kid who leapt into the construction dumpster behind my house must have been a master gymnast. He couldn’t have been more graceful if the dumpster had been one of those “horses” that gymnasts jump over.

I heard the rustle of trash being shoved around in the dumpster and then the distinctive clanking of broken tiles. I was ready to go out and chase him off when a woman with a cardboard box walked up. He began tossing the broken tiles into the box.

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The Sparrows

The sparrows! The sparrows! They flit around me like gnats. Do they think I’m Tippi Hedren? No, they want the sidewalk to themselves–to hell with the grass–they want asphalt!

Listen, you little birdbrains, if I give you the sidewalk, can I have the grass? Can I stomp through the dew in peace or will you besiege me there, too?

In the grass I am swarmed by robins. The robins! The robins! I’m smashing their worms but the robins attack on foot, not dive bombing like those damn sparrows. I’ll have to teleport next, if this keeps up.

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Local

The farmer’s market features local food, which means the “carbon footprint” normal with most foods, transported over 1500 miles on average to reach my supermarket, is reduced by eating local food. Yet I stupidly don’t want to drive the extra blocks to the farmer’s market when there is a supermarket on almost every corner, thick as Starbuck’s. I see the error of my thinking, but the supermarket habit is hard to break. So I must vow in public, right here and now, to form a new habit, the farmer’s market habit, starting this week.

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Overnighter

What do you think a woman enjoying an overnighter away from home would do for fun? How about a whole bunch of women? Would they cruise the bars looking for new beefcake? Nope. Would they get tickets to a hot new play? Nope. What they would do is have a pajama party in one of their hotel rooms, complete with pillow fight. No beefcake allowed. Yep. That’s what the female outlook on fun amounts to.

This is a far cry from what a group of men away from home on an overnighter would do. They would . . .

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Infidel

The facinating Infidel by Ayaan Hirsi Ali is one of the most important books I’ve read in months. It’s the memoir of one Somali woman’s progress from submission to Islam to independent thinking and a life as a member of the Dutch Parliament and advocate for the rights of Muslim women.

When compared with The End of Faith, which generalizes about the damaging effects of all religions, this book is much more specific, detailed and personal story. I became personally . . .